Recently, I read a shocking article. It reiterated some terrible advice that has been perpetuated for generations: An antidote to porn is great married sex. So when your kids see something sexual, help them direct their thoughts to how wonderful sex will be when they’re married.
This is a really bad idea, for the following reasons:
Many kids see porn before they are ready to understand what sex is.
If we wait to warn children about pornography until after we’ve described how “wonderful” sex is when you’re married, it’s way too late. Many kids are exposed to pornography before they can comprehend what sex is. In addition to this, some pornography portrays very violent, traumatic situations. If you only tell your kids that sex is wonderful, but don’t explain that some pornography shows very brutal and unhealthy representations of sex and relationships, they may be left thinking that sex is a violent, terrifying experience.
Porn is degrading and sets kids up for unrealistic sexual expectations. Married sex is real sex. It is nothing like things portrayed in media and pornography. If we link porn with married sex, we are perpetuating the same myth that porn perpetuates – that sex is the focus of a relationship. In a good marriage, sex is a small portion of all the reasons the marriage is wonderful. In a marriage where pornography has taken root, the addict sees his partner not as a wife with her own emotional needs, but as an object and a way to receive a sexual fix. In those marriages, sex is often a traumatic or uncomfortable experience for the wife.
Since pornography is degrading, violent and portrays unrealistic expectations, “when you see something sexual, just think for a moment about how much more beautiful that will be when you’re married,” ain’t gonna work, folks. Nope, we must say, “That is pornography and it is a lie. It can hurt your brain.”
Pornography isn’t really about sex. When pornography becomes an addiction, it’s not really about sex. It becomes a way to deal with negative emotions, and it’s not a very effective way to deal with negative emotions. It causes you to move in a downward spiral where you need more and more, ever increasingly shocking or disturbing material to soothe your emotions. More sex doesn’t help a pornography addict. In fact, many addicts lose all interest in their wife as a sexual partner, preferring to have sex with a computer screen. So telling kids to avoid pornography by waiting to have great married sex is like telling them to avoid drowning by waiting to float on their spouse. In order to avoid pornography, children must be able to resolve their own emotional issues in healthy ways, and not relinquish their emotional state to external forces.
Next time you hear this myth, tell the truth about pornography. When it comes to teaching your kids about sex, may I make a recommendation? Instead of telling your kids that married sex “is beautiful and amazing,” tell them the truth. I think I’ll say, “I love your dad, and I love being close to him. I also love going on walks with him and talking. The most important thing for us is that we feel emotionally connected. Your dad is my best friend. I’m glad sex is just a small part of our wonderful, fulfilling relationship.”
For more about how to help your child avoid addiction, a free webinar is available at Addo Recovery.
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